Dreamin' With My Eyes Wide Open

Don't tell my boss...but I'm blogging while at work. And if you are my boss and you happen to be reading this, I apologize for sitting quietly at my desk, appearing to be writing an email, and using company property for my own self-indulgence.

But I can't help it.

I have a million and one thoughts running through my head and I thought no better way than to get them out than to write about them. It was either that or go chat up my bff who conveniently works at the front desk. But then we'd be out two employees...and I'm not that selfish.

Do you ever wonder what happens to all those big dreams you had as a kid? Of course not all of them make it past your childhood, merely for the sake that they are impossible, ridiculous ideas thought up by a seven year old brain. For example. When I was a kid I wanted to be black. Yes, this small town country girl wanted to be black. Why? Because I wanted to be good at basketball and dancing. I do not mean that as a racist or offensive comment AT ALL. And if anyone is offended for my seven year old self noticing that most of the best basketball players (aka Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, etc) and all the best dancers in music videos (why I knew that at such a young age and at a time when we didn't have cable, I don't know) were black. It's a compliment, don't look too much more in to it than that.

So anyway...besides my impossible hopes of becoming the best NBA player or music video dancer, what happened to those other dreams of mine? I remember wanting to move to Texas, Hawaii, California...anywhere other than what I had always known. I wanted to be a physical therapist, a sports broadcaster, an actress, a writer, I wanted to play college sports, I wanted to be married by 22 and have kids by 24. YIKES. But of course, when you're nine years old, 22 seems pretty old.

Even more recently, I wanted to be an event coordinator. I tried that and did enjoy it but it just didn't work out. Which is okay. I've realized some other dreams along the way. Yes, I still want to be married and have a family, but since we can't go back in time I'll have to settle with a slightly older age than 22. Thank God...it scares me to think of who I'd have married when I was 22.

And then there are my "if I had no limits" dreams....I want to be a bounty hunter (all thanks to Dog The Bounty Hunter, of course), I want to be a detective, I want to be a famous country singer (well that's impossible...have you heard me sing? No, because I don't do it in front of people), I want to travel the world, I want to be wild and free without anything to tie me down. And that's how I'm feeling today.

I feel tied down. I feel heavy in this place. I feel like I have too much to be responsible for but really only myself to worry about. Even my dog doesn't depend on me anymore. Thanks Mom and Dad. I know she will forever live with you, be spoiled by you, and be considered your first "grandchild". But I promise human grandchildren for you in the future.

So today I want to be a gypsy. Maybe it's because I have Miranda Lambert's "Airstream Song" stuck in my head...."Sometimes I wish I lived in an Airstream...Homemade curtains, lived just like a gypsy...Break a heart, roll out of town...‘Cause gypsies never get tied down......Unbridled or tethered and tied...The safety of the fence or the danger of the ride...I’ll always be unsatisfied"

Those are my favorite words of that song. As I sit at my desk, looking out my window at the people and cars, buildings and trees, I want to be out there. And I don't mean Jackson street in Moscow, ID. I want to be out THERE...finding new dreams and maybe even fulfilling a few old ones.

But even as I sit here and think about the thrill I would get out of being wild and free, I will always, in some way, be tied to something. I have to have a job. Without a job I have no money, without money I have nowhere to live, without a place to live I become a bum. I don't think I'd do "bum" very well. I have to many clothes and shoes.

And I have my family. A family that I am very close to and don't ever get too far away from. Including my dog. Well I'd probably steal her back if I was to go traipsing all across the country. She'd be a good travel partner.

And I have friends. Although I'd make more friends on this hypothetical journey of mine, I would miss the friends I have here and be dragged back for a dozen and a half weddings, babies, birthdays, and whatever else they have in store for me.

Maybe my boots aren't hittin' the dusty journey-across-the-continent trail just yet but they are finding their way around familiar and unfamiliar places just fine here in Pullman. And wherever else I can get to. And I guess that's good enough for right now. And if it isn't, I'll have eight kids and turn them in to a traveling band to fulfill my dreams of singing and traveling and being famous. Maybe we'll get our own reality show.

Now that's a new dream to have.